Just One Exam
Sr. Kristen Gardner, S.H.M.
Just one exam could have caused God's plan over me to be brought to ruin. That is a bit difficult to believe, isn't it? Nevertheless, it is true.
Right after I turned fifteen, I discovered that God was calling me to be a Servant Sister of the Home of the Mother. After first hearing God's voice, it took me a while to interiorly accept this vocation that God had given me. I thought of the fish the sisters ate. I thought of what I had wanted to study in the university. I thought of the books I wanted to write. However, after a few weeks of interior turmoil, I knew that I had to accept God's will over me. I said 'yes.' A wave of peace flooded my soul.
But, the fight was not over yet. There then began the interior battle of deciding when to enter. After all, I was only fifteen. I knew that my parents would give me permission to enter at sixteen, if I asked them. However, was it really necessary? Why not wait until I was eighteen? Or even until after the university? What would I lose? Two years more or two years less of my life couldn't really make a difference, could they? I could have a few more years free to do what I wanted. And then, of course, I would follow Our Lord and give Him my entire life.
I tried to convince myself that that would be fine. However, my conscience told me that God had called me at fifteen for a reason. I did not have any idea what that reason could be, but I knew that He had one. What He wanted me to do was to trust in Him. Through the grace of God, I did so. I decided to enter the Servant Sisters as soon as I turned sixteen and not wait.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many people told me that I was being imprudent to enter at such a young age. "Wait a few years," they said, "Gain a little more experience in life." "How can you possibly be certain of what God wants of you when you are so young?" Does the shepherd not know where to lead His sheep? It is when the sheep ignore the shepherd that they get into trouble! I always responded to their incredulity with an act of blind faith, "I know that God told me my vocation at fifteen for a reason! Therefore, I am going to do it as soon as possible!" What seemed like imprudence to the eyes of the world was in reality prudence to the eyes of God.
I entered as a candidate of the Servant Sisters on the day of my sixteenth birthday. I was full of joy on that day. I knew that I was doing God's Will, even if I still didn't understand why He had chosen me when He did. I asked Him to show me, in His own good time, the reason. Though, by that time, I did not really care anymore. I was so happy as a Servant Sister that I was glad Our Lord had allowed me to start living that life when I was so young.
A year after entering, I returned to my home in the United States to take an exam which is necessary to enter the university. For Americans, it's known as the SAT. It is not the only thing that determines what type of university that you can attend, but it is definitely very important. When the results of the exam came back, my score was high, higher than I could have ever imagined. [Note: The highest possible score is a 1600 and hers was a 1520.]
In addition to that, my grade point average for all my classes throughout high school was also very high. All of a sudden, I realized that I could go to whatever university I wanted. I could study whatever I wanted and all I wanted. You can not possibly understand how great this temptation was without knowing me. You see, I love to study. You could put me in a room full of books and I would be there all day without even thinking of food.
Thus, when the exam results came back, all these thoughts came flying to my head. It was a big temptation. I could study, dedicate myself to studying. At the same time, I had just gotten my driver’s license. I remember one day I had to go look something up in the library. I drove myself over. That moment was probably the biggest temptation that I ever had against my vocation. I didn’t realize it until I got to the library, but as soon as I saw how the freedom to drive myself there anytime I wanted, to read all I wanted, was clouding out the calling of God, I almost went running out of the library. Thanks be to God, He gave me the strength to remain faithful to my vocation. I knew that I would be directly saying 'no' to God if I turned back now and followed my own will. I had already experienced life as a Servant Sister and I knew that I would never be happy if I lived any other life. God had stolen my heart for Himself and let me see it was a temptation of the devil.
I then realized that, if I had not entered the Servant Sisters at sixteen, I would have never entered at all. If I had waited two more years until I was eighteen, I would have taken the exam, gone off to college, and pushed my vocation even further into the future. I would not have had the same clarity of vision to see what my vocation was. My studies would have taken the first place in my life. And, as we all know, many times the things we push into the future never get done.
Our Lord has thus shown that all we have to do trust Him. He knows what is best for us. However, to trust means to follow. "If today you hear God's voice, harden not your heart." When God calls, follow. Don't wait. Waiting can have disastrous effects.
©HM Magazine No.125 - July/August 2005
