How I Met the Home
Ana M. Lapeña Parreño
We always define the Home as the gift which the Lord wishes to make to His Mother and the members of the Home feel that we are souls whom Our Mother has chosen for herself. I think that Our Mother chose me for herself when my parents consecrated me to Her when I was little, touching me to the mantle of Our Lady of the Pillar.
I do not remember who taught me how to pray three Hail Mary’s before going to bed. I learned the Hail Holy Queen from a teacher at school and I prayed it every night because I liked it, even though I didn’t understand it. I write this because I think that those first prayers were fundamental and, even though I didn’t understand what I said, Our Lady did not forget the “turn thine eyes of mercy towards us” nor the “pray for us sinners.”
As I grew up and entered my teenage years, I began to make wrong decisions. Thanks be to God my conscience never forsook me, even though I found it very difficult to go to confession and would put it off. As an excuse, I tried to convince myself that God did not exist. I began to feel a great repulsion for the Church, which I accused of false things. I rejected God saying that He was not good. However, in the depth of my heart, I did not believe all this and I was very uneasy because the more I sinned the more unsatisfied I felt. I became a slave of my vices and in a certain sense I despised myself. This is the trick of the devil: first he shows you an attractive bubble and makes you think that you’ll be happy; but then it bursts in your hands and leaves you immersed and embittered in your misery. There are people who say, “Can a 14 year old teenager actually think about all this?” Of course! Teenagers are not idiots and when I was 14 years old I asked myself about the meaning of my life and I searched for the truth.
In my last year of middle school I met a few girls of the Home. They were in my class and one day at recess I said that God did not exist and I justified this by saying that there were only stars in the heavens and nothing more. I felt that I had just written a doctoral thesis. Now I turn red by just remembering this. I was very full of myself when a girl came up to me and said, “Don’t say that. God does exist.” I responded, “Prove it to me.” She said, “I do not know how to prove it to you, but He does exist. I know it. He listens to me. I’m sure of it.” Of course, I ridiculed her with my silly arguments. Apparently I was the one who had won in that conversation; however I felt such remorse that a few days later I asked her and her Christian friends to help me to believe. I told them that I wanted to but couldn’t. They invited me to some meetings which they attended. I don’t know why I went. Now I think about it and it doesn’t make sense. It is as if someone picked me up and took me without my realizing it. A Servant Sister of the Home of the Mother, Sr. Maria, led the meeting and all that I could think of while I was listening was, “This is the truth.”
I desired to enter the Home of the Mother and I began to go to Mass on Sundays and attend the meetings. However, I was only half-way there. It was as if I were walking on the edge of a precipice and I spent more time down below than up above because I didn’t leave my old way of life. Finally, I decided to truly fight for holiness during a summer encounter of the Home. Some people who know me say that they brainwashed me there, but it’s not true. It was my soul that was washed, and not by people but by Jesus Christ. What made me decide to change was a very strong experience that I had with Him. One day while I was in the chapel, with great force I heard in my soul, “Follow me or leave me!” I thus understood that Our Lord preferred me not to follow Him than that I follow him with mediocrity. In that moment I felt completely free. I knew that I had to choose. I knew that He was the Truth. I knew that happiness was found in Him because I had experienced it, but I also knew that following Him would cost me suffering. I decided to follow Him and I opened my soul to the immense quantity of graces which He wanted to give me. A few days later, the Sisters spoke to us about vocations, not only the vocation to religious life but also to marriage. They said that we had to open ourselves to whatever Our Lord wanted of us. I remember that I went to the chapel and said to the Lord, “Lord, if You want it, I would love for you to choose me for Yourself and be able to respond for all the souls who do not do so. But show me Your will. I want whatever You want.” Now I see clearly what He responded. It was something like this, “Yes, I accept your offering.” However, in that moment I did not see it so clearly. Perhaps because I was not ready or because I was afraid, but the truth is that now I remember it as if it were only yesterday and I have absolutely not doubt that He said this to me. When I understood it, I was filled with joy and with desires to be very generous with the One who would be my Spouse.
I had to wait four years to enter as a candidate. During this time I had to fight for my vocation and many people tried to prevent me from following it. Sometimes I am asked, “How could you remain faithful for so long?” I attribute it to the fact that I have always tried to remain faithful to my time of prayer and that I have always tried to be sincere and fulfill God’s will. This is a sure path. However, above all, my presence here now is due to God’s mercy. For some reason which only He knows and which I suspect Our Lady had something to do with, He never let me go.
On various occasions I was at the point of leaving everything. I remember that once I went to the chapel to say good-bye to God, to tell Him that I wasn’t going to come back, that I was tired of suffering. As I got up, I opened my prayer book and read, “Do you also wish to leave me?” This was a very important grace for me.
Our Lord has also always placed in my path people who have helped me follow His will. He does not abandon us. We are the ones who abandon Him.
