How I Met the Home
Andrew Krische
Boulder, Colorado
United States
22 years old
My path to the Home began in my senior year of High School, with the beginning of my conversion. The weight of my sins and the false way I was living had brought me into the dumps of depression. I experienced a great emptiness in my life, a disorder and dullness which many people experience because of sin and worldliness. I had conformed myself, in spite of my formation in the faith, to the way the other kids in my school were living. Along with their friendships and the new orientation I was giving my life came sins and vices which ensnared me and set me on a path of degeneration which became unbearable in my senior year. It led me even to contemplate suicide, a plague among the youth of today. The realization that such a thing would offend God prevented me from ever following through with the idea. That in itself was a very great grace.
I began to look for a way out of the misery and unhappiness I was in and God showed me the way largely in guiding me to choose Ave Maria University for college. I applied to many very large schools such as Gonzaga, USC, Loyola Maramount, and St. Johns/St. Bens, all of which I got into with some kind of scholarship. I was planning on going to a big school with lots of options, lots of other students, nice campus, etc. and I was looking to get a degree in architecture or something similar so I could get a good job and make good money. However, my Mom was pushing for me to look into Ave Maria. She was also praying for me, along with my aunt (my godmother). She knew to some degree that I was not happy and that something was wrong in my life, though I often masked my miseries and was able to hide a great deal of what was going on.
At first, I blew off the idea of going to a small new Catholic school in Florida. However, my cousin visited Ave Maria and brought back pictures from his trip and told me more about the school, all of which helped me become more interested and softened me to the idea of going there. I applied at the last minute to Ave Maria and was accepted, but it was certainly still the underdog in my final decision. However, soon before the deadline to decide which school I would actually attend I received a special grace: I experienced at a certain time the loving presence of God the Father and his hand guiding me to choose Ave Maria. I then made the choice with a great peace and joy, knowing that going there would be best for me and that it would help free me from the situation I was in.
After the school year had ended and summer was nearly over, I reached a point in which I knew for certain I could not break the chains of my sins by my own power, even though I wanted to free myself from my habits more and more. I then prayed one night in my room that God would free me from the vices which held me imprisoned, and I asked this of God knowing that He could do it and with a great trust that He would. This happened just before I left for Ave Maria, and when I did I was freed from my worst vices in a very sudden and miraculous way which astonished me and gave me a great joy and a new zeal for life. God liberated me from my deepest enslavements and renewed my heart in a way that was one of the greatest steps in my conversion.
I still spent my freshman year at the University and making many mistakes, but I was freed from the worst of my sins and I was being purified. Especially important for me during that time was discovering St. Augustine and reading his Confessions, which encouraged me and inflamed my heart to continue on the path God wished to take me. By the end of my freshman year I was given the grace to realize how tattered my soul still was, with so many passions, desires and attachments pulling me this way and that and preventing me from acting as I knew I should. I could not give of myself or act in a virtuous way. I realized this in many ways, but especially in the short relationships I had with some girls during that year.
Guided and strengthened by the Holy Spirit, that summer I set about gathering myself together. I especially sought the love and help of God the Father. I did this in particular because I grew up never knowing my real father. Although my Mom married when I was ten years old, as a child I had lacked very much the love and instruction of a father, which I realized was very important for me in becoming a true man and Christian. During that summer I was guided by the Holy Spirit to advance slowly and patiently, yet as quickly as I could without stumbling, along the way of prayer, virtue, and life in greater conformity with God. I also made an important commitment to God going into that summer: to do whatever He asked of me and to go wherever He directed me after he had helped me through this stage in my life.
As the summer came to a close God began to lead me more and more clearly along the path to joining the Home as a brother and priest. During the end of the summer I was sitting or lying down in my basement, on my couch, just resting, when I realized that God might really be calling me to the priesthood. I reacted by saying first silently and then out loud, "No, no, I won't do it," or something to that effect. I was even tossing and turning on the couch because I felt the call in a very real and distinct way and I feared it. However, soon after that experience when I came more to my senses I was able to let go of my fear and I gave the possibility over to God with trust in his goodness. I then began to experience a very profound peace in being a priest and I was given interiorly to know that God would make up for my great deficiencies and weaknesses.
At the end of the summer I also began to desire more and more to wear the brownscapular. Yet for some reason I felt I should wait and be invested in the brownscapular when I got back to school. When I did return to Ave Maria, I was invested by Fr. Colum in thebrown scapular, which I believe was a small but beautiful sign of God guiding me ultimately to the Home, of which I knew practically nothing at that point. After I was invested I then received a tremendous grace of being struck with awe by the promise of Our Lady through the brown scapular and her great protection and love. In thanksgiving, to obtain the Sabatine privilege, and above all in a desire to honor Our Lady I began to pray the rosary every day, particularly to Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Through these rosaries which I prayed in the chapel on my knees, I began to grow very close to Our Lady and they bore great fruit in my soul.
Around the same time I met a girl who was new at Ave Maria She was beautiful physically, but far more importantly she was a virtuous young woman and had many beautiful qualities. Following my own attraction and the influence of my friends I began dating her, which lasted at first only for a month because I began to experience waves of anxiety and darkness as a result of this infidelity to God's will in my life. I have never before or after experienced anything like them. They became unbearable and I broke up with her to discern my vocation, although I already knew it wasn't to marriage but to the priesthood, and most likely the religious life. Around the same time, I began to attend the retreats put on by the Home of the Mother at Ave Maria and Fr. Colum became my spiritual director. However, I did not reveal to him everything which God had done in my life and some of the great graces I had been given, largely because I had turned my back on them. As a result of this, my own false rationalizations, and my attachment I ended up getting back together with the girl after three months. This was a further infidelity which would later cause me, as well as her a great deal of difficulty and suffering.
Soon after I began dating her again, a strong desire to be a religious began to trouble me. She too was affected by this and sensed it though I did not tell her about it except for one time. A struggle ensued that would lead me to a great dullness and confusion in my prayer and my spiritual life. After over a year of going out with her with many ups and downs, I attended a Holy Week encounter with the Home which would be very important in helping me find my way again. I entered the retreat with a strong desire to do just that and at the end of it I joined the Home as a lay member because I had learned more about the Home by that time and I saw it was the perfect fit for me. When I joined I experienced the presence of God and Our Lady confirming this step and emboldening me to go further, that it was not yet enough.
Not too long after this my girlfriend and I broke up because of difficulties we had been having and because I was recognizing I was called down a different path. I am deeply grateful to her for the way she handled the break up with grace, wisdom, and strength. I know too that the Lord is already rewarding her for her fidelity and openness to His will. Following this, during the summer of 2007 as I was preparing to visit the community in Spain, I began to pray and reflect a great deal upon God's grace in my life and saw that everything was pointing me to the Home, that this was my vocation, the true purpose of my conversion. Everything was leading me to this. I then joined as a candidate when I went to Spain for the ordination of Fr. Henry and Fr. Dominic. I give thanks to God for calling me to form part of the Home. My vocation is a tremendous gift of His mercy and my path to true happiness in this life, but most importantly the next. It is His work and may His most good and holy will be fulfilled in me and in us all.
©HM Magazine No. 142 May/June 2008
